Sunday 12th July
One of the more interesting moments in therapy is when a problem begins to loosen.
I’ve started asking people what would be hard to give up about a problem, and this is met, understandably, with a raised eyebrow and some confusion.
We tend to imagine change as something we simply move towards. If anxiety is painful, surely we’d want less of it. If perfectionism is exhausting, surely we’d want to soften it. If self-criticism hurts, surely we’d be relieved to let it go.
But clinical work has taught me that it is rarely that straightforward. We often experience the direct stress of our problems while they acquire other jobs behind the scenes.
Anxiety becomes vigilance, and responsibility. Perfectionism becomes the thing that protects our standards and worth ethic. Self-criticism becomes the thing that keeps us striving, and over thinking becomes the thing that stops us making future mistakes.
Our problems often become functional, and the thought of losing them can bring about these kinds of questions:
“What if I stop caring?”
“What if I become complacent?”
“What if I miss something important?”
“What if I lose my edge?”
Lots of forecasting about how we’ll fall short. How we’ll become reckless, and less efficient. I see this repeatedly in my OCD work.
Sometimes we defend our problems as our last line of defence against complacency.
“I can’t stop checking because then I’ll miss something.”
“I can’t be kinder to myself because I’ll become lazy.”
“I’ve tried slowing down before, but nothing got done.”
“That wouldn’t work because…”
Last week I wrote about the different kinds of fuel that sit underneath achievement. For many people, pressure becomes the thing that keeps the engine running.
I’ve been wondering whether that’s only half the story. Perhaps one of the reasons it’s so difficult to stop running on the wrong fuel is that we no longer trust the engine without it.
We can want relief from a problem and still fear the person we might become without it.
To be clear, I don’t think this means the problem is serving us well. I think the fear influences us to tighten the controls (perhaps eroding our sense of self-trust in the process).
Prefacing change with the risk that we may also lose some of the protective stuff, is important. Often we’re negotiating willingness to change alongside taking those initial steps.
This week, notice the first defence that appears when you imagine loosening one of your familiar patterns. It might sound like:
“But then…”
“I couldn’t…”
“What if…”
Those sentences often tell us something important about the hidden contract we’ve made with the problem in the first place.
As always, hold it lightly.
Shoni
Dr Shoni Marshall-Edwards
Clinical Psychologist · AHPRA PSY0004030165
Alba Psychology · Online · Australia and New Zealand